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What is Family Purity?
by Rabbi Mendy Hecht
A. When it comes to the human psyche it is difficult to think of something more powerful than intimacy. What is the nature of that power; does it control us, or do we control it? In today’s world (and for all of history) that is a difficult question to answer. But why are we so vulnerable to its prowess? If
B. The laws of Family Purity take a complex part of life with many emotional strings and bring it to a whole new level of meaning. It elevates the man, the woman, and their relationship. Observance of this
C. Have you heard of the steamboat that ran out of steam, because the captain wasted it all sounding the foghorn? Sometimes our relationships get like that--we waste all our desire unnecessarily, not having enough or any when we need it. An added advantage of Family Purity is it helps us avoid this problem. It sets limits so we have the steam we need for when we need it. It gets you and your spouse into a certain rhythm: waxing and waning, drawing close and then drawing apart, so that you can draw close again: Judaism's idea of the Perpetual Honeymoon. Do anything all the time, and you are bound to get bored of it. Stop and start, stop and start, and it stays fresh.
The first requirement of Family Purity is adopting the perspective that marriage is more than the flesh.D. The Laws of Family Purity set up the exact definitions of this rhythm: what you can do, when, and how. Basically, for about 12-14 days each month1 husband and wife avoid the base. They don’t physically touch--but they touch each other emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. At the end of each period of separation the wife. goes to the
How do I observe Family Purity?
1. Freud wrote that Man consists of two basic things: the desire for the opposite sex, and the desire to be important. The good doctor was right, but he forgot something: man can desire to overcome those desires. Using the brain, one can conclude that there's more to life than urges. The first requirement of Family Purity is adopting the perspective that marriage is more than the flesh, and that true intimacy is not always physical.
2. Create an efficient framework for physical intimacy by leaving ample space for intellectual, emotional, and spiritual bonding. During the 12-14 days that husband and wife refrain from physical intimacy, Family Purity dictates that their physical separation be complete. Following are examples of actions that are deemed too intimate during the separation period: a)Touching. b)Holding hands. c) Hugging. d) Kissing. e)Laying together on the same bed. It usually takes more than a book to teach us how to master a skill, and it definitely takes more than a book to teach us how to live. For a full understanding and know-how regarding the laws of Family Purity you'll need to study with someone who knows his or her stuff. As always, your nearest Chabad center is there for you.
3. There are some great books and materials you can hook up with to learn more: a) The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage by Norman Lamm b) The Mikvah Anthology compiled by Rivkah Slonim c) The Secret of Jewish Femininity by Tehilla Abramov d) Waters of Eden by Aryeh Kaplan e) Family Purity by Fischel Jacobs f) Still Waters Run Deep (video, e-mail orders@mikvah.org to order) g) Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore: Reclaiming Modesty, Intimacy and Sexuality by Manis Friedman.
4. Study, study, study. Learn the laws of Family Purity at your local competent friendly neighborhood
See also Living Mikvah, Family Purity: A Husband's Perspective and Family Purity: Inner Meanings.
Footnotes
- 1. Beginning with the onset of the woman's menstrual period and continuing for seven days after its conclusion.
Related Categories
Life Cycle » Marriage » Family Purity » The Laws
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